Festivus the Beneficent…

While I found myself most anxious to explore the sewers of the city (I mean, who wouldn't be most anxious to explore the sewers of the city!), saner minds prevailed.  “Wait a few days,” they said, “and enjoy the season!”  In all the despair that has overcome Skara Brae I have nearly forgotten the joy that can be found in celebrating with the ones you care about most.  Since none of them could be found, I have resigned myself to celebrating with Alfalfa and the Gang.

Tis the end of the year and the celebration of Festivus the Beneficent is upon us!  As all are surely aware, Festivus is the mighty god of adventurers; a balding and bearded bestower of boons with a penchant for fine wines. 

I shall hang up the gear for a few days at least and I wish all a wonderful celebration of Festivus the Beneficent and a prosperous new year!

(Merry Christmas! And Happy, Safe Holidays to all!!) 

“Bueller… Bueller…”

Bueller… Bueller… Bueller…

My voice echoes plaintively as we are left in the darkness and encroaching silence… Finally a glimmer of light that is almost blinding in its contrast appears above Darla’s head.  “I can hold it for a few minutes, but I really need to recharge after last night’s Ginger Ale fest.”  Everyone nods in quick agreement and we quickly head back up the stairs and exit the Scarlet Bard.

The wooden bunks at the Adventurer’s Guild have never felt as soft as I quickly pass into unconsciousness.  When I finally hoist the eyelids at the crack of noon I learn that nearly a week has passed!  To arms fellow adventurers!  Fame and fortune await!

Back to the Scarlet Bard!  Only to find that some moron has reconstructed the stupid guardian statue… fortunately we are able to dispatch the interloper with a minimum of loss, despite the fact that our brave Alfalfa has sworn off Ginger Ale for at least the next century (or maybe Bard’s Tale II).  Up to the bar and with renewed confidence we order a bit of Wine.  With a wink and a grin our benefactor gives us the nod and we head into the cellar, torches in hand.

This cellar is truly cavernous (probably to be expected as it is the cellar of one of the most powerful beings in existence) and the air is musty with old wine.  The torches only illuminate the area directly around our group and so it appears we will be forced to explore every aspect of this area inch by slow inch.

There is obviously a great evil that has taken hold of Skara Brae, so great that it has infested the great one’s own cellar.  The baddies are the same as those found wandering the streets of Skara Brae at night, only in greater quantities.  No sooner is one group dispatched before another group seemingly appears like magic to take its place.  The body count starts to pile up as we head deeper and deeper into the cellar.  Being blocked from the rays of the sun, our spell casters quickly burn through their available mana.  Throw in the occasional trap and the larger number of baddies, and every soirée is cut short before too much can be accomplished.

Hours turn into days and the days to a week before I can carefully map out the entire cellar.  Countless bottles of reds, whites and chardonnays are to be found throughout.  I actually lost Froggy for a couple days and was lucky to stumble upon his comatose figure sloshed in a corner room of the rare wines.  I sure hope I don’t get stuck with that tab.

All my patience and mapping, the gore and pain of nearly constant battle, pan out as I finally discover a little used staircase leading down to the city sewer system… it appears that I have found the source of the endless supply of baddies that have plagued my every step.  On the morrow we throw ourselves ever deeper into the darkness.

Ale, Beer, Mead, Foul Spirits, Ginger Ale and Wine…

Wine… Seeing this offering my brain starts spinning… A taste of wine might turn to ready adventure… Is this the clue I have been searching for?  But, why here? Why now?  Countless times have I sat before this same bald and bearded bartender, wearing the same DG monogrammed tunic, pointing to the same “2 DRINK MINIMUM” sign, under the same green dragon head, advertising the same “DRAGONS GROG”, and whispering the same old gossip, but this is the first time he has offered Wine…

This powerful being who disguises himself as a lowly tavern keeper, is he toying with me?  Am I nothing but a passing diversion?  A plaything for his amusement?  

But wait!  Mayhap there is purpose in his designs… perhaps I am being tested… Yes! That must be it!  A test!  I was unable to pass into this portal until I had defeated the Guardian Statue!  Is he merely doing his part in ensuring my survival and success… a benign benefactor as opposed to a terrible trickster?  Oh, magnificent and most marvelous master of mixed mojitos!  Have I passed your test?  Am I ready to go forth and conquer?

With renewed vigor I sit at the bar and request a glass of Wine…

With a wink and a nod, this delightful dispenser of delicious drinks directs me to the door behind the bar and says, “You deserve the good stuff.  Go down to the cellar and pick out a bottle.”

With great anticipation I head down the stairs, and as the door closes behind me I vocalize the thoughts that spring to mind, “Dang!  It’s dark down here!”

“Does anyone have a torch?  Anyone?  Bueller… Bueller…”

The Hunt for Clues...

The loss of the Fire Horn has made life a wee bit more interesting.  My sojourns are being cut short by the need to regenerate my spell points.  I did get a bit of a nest egg going, but that was quickly depleted once I found the Review Board and realized the cost of learning new spells.  I find myself in need of a quick infusion of coin…

I think it was Darla that came up with the idea of posting the fliers:

It wasn’t long before there was a major queue of Hero hopefuls stretching down Main, around Blacksmith and dribbling into Trumpet.  A quick pep-talk in the Guild Hall for the next five hopefuls, a quick “initiation” out back next to the large, red Dumpster and voila!  Another 500 to 900 gold pieces added to the coffers.  Wash, rinse, repeat and by the end of the afternoon I had maxxed out the large, red Dumpster and accumulated just over 50,000 gold, as well as clearing out much of the excess population of Skara Brae.  Not too shabby for a day’s work.  Now, to reap the rewards of my entrepreneurial spirit…

I decided to spend the remainder of the evening hitting every Inn in town, drinking my way through the local gossip.  After about the third Inn I came to a realization that caused the hairs to stand up on the back of my neck… all these inns are exactly the same!  I don’t mean they just looked the same… I mean, other than the sign over the door, each inn I visited has been identical to the previous.  It is the same bald and bearded bartender, wearing the same DG monogrammed tunic, pointing to the same “2 DRINK MINIMUM” sign, under the same green dragon head, advertising the same “DRAGONS GROG”, serving the same Ale, Beer, Mead, Foul Spirits and Ginger Ale, and whispering the same old gossip. 

I am starting to think there is only a single inn in the entire city, all run by the same person, who is obviously a very powerful wizard to have the ability to magically funnel traffic from all around the city to his single establishment.  I am not gonna mess with this dude!  I pretend I haven’t noticed anything odd, and continue on my sojourn to visit every inn in town in hopes of furthering my quest. 

Here is a listing of all that I have gleaned after depleting my once sizable bankroll:

First off, ordering Ginger Ale does not impress the girls in the tavern… but, on a more useful(?) note:

“The guardians can be deadly” (well, duh! Figured that one out my first day.)

“Look for the Review Board on Trumpet Street” (Done, did!)

“A taste of wine might turn to ready adventure” (Surgeon General’s warning)

“The gates cannot be scaled, but an entrance always exists” (only 2 gates I have seen, thus far, the City Gates are frozen in ice, and the gates to Kylearan’s Tower are locked tight. Hmmm…)

“The Spectre Snare can draw in even the mightiest” (ooOOoo… scary!)

Bleary eyed from a night on the town, I headed back to the Adventurer’s Guild for a much needed rest.  Something was obviously clouding my mind, as I wandered past the guild without noticing and staggered into the Guardian Statue in the SE quadrant of the city.  In my surly mood and against all reason I attacked the statuary, only to watch it turn into a Samurai warrior, complete with Samurai armor, Samurai sword and Samurai wolf:

(Okay, there wasn’t a wolf, but it would have been cool if there was!)  Fearing the worst, and not really caring by this point… I charged in screaming something I am sure was threatening.  All probably would have been lost except for a masterful move by Alfalfa.  At the crucial moment, Alfalfa vomited the copious amounts of Ginger Ale he had imbibed throughout the night… in an attempt to avoid the oncoming deluge, the Samurai tripped on his scabbard and impaled himself hari-kari style on his sword.  The field of battle is won!!  How do you like us now, tavern wenches?!?

As the Samurai fell I noticed, not far beyond his guard pedestal, a tavern that had heretofor not had the gracing of my presence.  With trepidation I approached the Scarlet Bard Inn and prepared to be greeted by the same bald and bearded bartender, wearing the same DG monogrammed tunic, pointing to the same “2 DRINK MINIMUM” sign, under the same green dragon head, advertising the same “DRAGONS GROG”, serving the same Ale, Beer, Mead, Foul Spirits and Ginger Ale, and whispering the same old gossip.  But, as I mosied up to the barstool I noticed something had changed… it was the same bald and bearded bartender, wearing the same DG monogrammed tunic, pointing to the same “2 DRINK MINIMUM” sign, under the same green dragon head, advertising the same “DRAGONS GROG”, and whispering the same old gossip, however this time he was serving Ale, Beer, Mead, Foul Spirits, Ginger Ale and Wine… dunh, dunh duuuunnnhhh…

The Adventure Begins...

Fully armed and armored (well as good as it gets with what I had available to me) I head into the city to make a name for myself.  Using the map that came with my supplies I determine to head toward Garth’s Equipment Shoppe to see what ol’ Garth might have on hand as an upgrade.  I figure a few steps to the North shouldn’t be a problem. 

Only a couple minor hiccups on my way to the shoppe: the provided map is not the easiest thing in the world to follow, so I think I shall be creating a less colorful version to assist me on my way.  And then there is the gang of angry Hobbits that are loitering outside of Garth’s…

There are only four of the misguided, hairy-footed Halflings; well within the skillset of any halfway competent party of adventurers.  I draw my weapons and wade into the fray… and quickly get my backside handed to me.  As the chuckling Hobbits go back to smoking their cigs and harassing the bag lady, I stoop to pick up the body of Buckwheat and make my way to the nearest temple.  Fortunately it is located just a short jaunt to the South and East on the street of Rakhir.  Only a single encounter with a lone nomad stood between me and my goal.  With fierce determination I hit Run and went screaming like a little girl, down the road and through the doors of the temple.

It wasn’t until I caught my breath that I noticed the shadowy figures standing around me.  I also learned that I had landed myself smack dab into the middle of the Thief Temple.  They were kind enough lads, and as soon as I laid out my case they agreed to bring Buckwheat back to life, for the meager sum of 900 gold!!  After pooling my resources, I realized I had a total of 824 gold… Sorry, Buckwheat!

Unknown by most, there is a large, red Dumpster behind the Adventurer’s Guild; and while I am not sure what

stands for, it is a nice and large, red Dumpster.  Fortunately for us, nobody was around and Buckwheat’s carefully wrapped body fit nicely within said Dumpster… Unfortunately for Buckwheat, nobody was around and Buckwheat’s carefully wrapped body fit nicely within said Dumpster…    

Having taken out the trash, it was a matter of minutes before we had a brand, spanking new Buckwheat up and eager to go adventuring with us!!

A few things I learned as I was mapping out Skara Brae for the first few days:

1. Dwarves and Hobbits look eerily identical.
2. When the sun goes down, the baddies get badder.
3. Nobody bothered to mark down where the Review Board can be found (a quick drink at Ask Y’Mother Inn, and a quick ear on local gossip revealed its general location on Trumpet Street; it also revealed that Wine can lead to greater adventure – a clue?  Or a warning from the Surgeon General?).
4. Guardian Statues are not to be trifled with.
5. All the horses in town have been eaten by creatures.
6. The Fire Horn has limited uses =(
7. While named differently, ALL the temples are Thief Temples (well, except for the Temple of the Mad God… They’re just crazy) and Roscoe is an acolyte.

It took about three settings of the sun and two scary nights to fully map the currently accessible places of Skara Brae.  Once I located the Review Board, all party members reached the epic level of Four!  Time to revisit the Hobbit Gang at Garth’s…

Getting Started...

I am not going to bore you with details on getting the app and setting it up, yadda, yadda, yadda…  I have plenty of other stuff to bore you with.  It probably goes without saying that I have chosen to play the original trilogy in the order in which they were published; first stop… “The Bard’s Tale I: Tales of the Unknown” (BT1).  Once the app loaded, I found the links they provided to be a great start for my information gathering.

The first link, “?”, took me to http://bardstale.brotherhood.de/talefiles/1/docs/bt1-manual.htm, the “Official Manual” for BT1.  A quick perusal of the manual gave me what I needed to start my adventure, the most important items being a listing of all the spells and bard songs.  Just what I was hoping to find!  So far, so good…

The map icon is linked to http://bardstale.brotherhood.de/talefiles/1/maps/index.html.  Whoa! DANGER! DANGER! Danger, Will Rogers, DANGER!  It appears that all the maps, hacks and walkthroughs are available to me at just the tap of a finger.  All I need do is succumb to the temptation.  Must… resist… KAAAHHHHNNN!   Ok, all better.  Upon closer inspection, I have found the first map listed is the official map from Interplay, http://bardstale.brotherhood.de/talefiles/1/maps/bt1-skara_brae.jpg.  BINGO!  All I need is now at my fingertips!

The third “Floppy” link takes me to a 3.5 floppy drive emulator containing a Game disk in slot one and a Character disk in slot two.  The only other option I see is a Return to Game button.  Nothing else on the screen can be manipulated, at least nothing I can see at the moment.

Sooo… back to the game and to the moment you have all been waiting for!  Start Bard’s Tale GS:

Thou art in the Guild of Adventurers.

Add a member

Create a member

Delete a member

Save the party

Leave the game

The game has offered a premade party for a quick start.  I personally prefer creating my own members, although I am not averse to stealing from the original party.  When creating members for my party, I am really not concerned about the whole Min/Max aspect of gaming.  I don’t care that Elves make the best magicians, or that Dwarves make the best fighters.  I like to have fun and will often create odd combinations.  Of course, there are often limitations created within the game itself, so my dream of a Gnome Paladin is still just a dream, however, I play for me, and that oft times means for strange bedfellows.  My party consists of:

Alfalfa the Human Paladin (boring)

Spanky the Dwarf Hunter (Spanky just screams dwarf to me… not to mention hunter)

Buckwheat the Hobbit Monk (I wonder if there is a copyright infringement in there somewhere)

Froggy the Half-Elf Bard (Yes, I had to go there…)

Darla the Half-Orc Conjurer (I should make mention that only Male characters are allowed.  No comment on the use of Half-Orc for the only female of the party.)

Porky the Gnome Magician (In the same vein that Spanky was screaming dwarf…)

The game allows for an easy reroll of stats if you don’t like the first set of random numbers you started with.  I did take advantage of this in an attempt to make my characters as survivable as possible.  Stats rolled (based on three 6-sided dice) should fall somewhere between 3-18, although I don’t ever remember seeing anything below a nine.  The main stats I looked for were Intelligence and Spell Points for Darla and Porky (on a side note, the highest Intelligence I could get for Darla was 11) and Dexterity and Hit Points for the remainder of the party.  A high dexterity gives a bonus to starting Armor Class, and the higher Hit Points speak for themselves.

Now that all members are accounted for, it is time to equip them.  For starters, I stripped the starter party.  All items were pretty generic except for the crown jewel… a Fire Horn for the Bard!!  Very nice!  If memory serves me (a fickle servant, at best) the Fire Horn can be used to fry multiple opponents.  An invaluable find, one that may actually give me a chance at survival, especially in the beginning.  Weapons are sharpened, and armor is buffed and ready; the spell casters have been dragged from their dusty towers, and the Bard from his frothy mug… 

The Adventure Begins…

The Rules of Engagement...

Okay… let me spell out how I envision this going forward.  I know there are probably dozens of sites out there brimming with everything I need to know to complete my quest.  Entire walkthroughs are available from the first step to the final swing of the blade.  Cheats and hacks abound that can give me wealth untold, the best armor and weapons, the ability to stack my stats and make me all, including invincible… but, where’s the fun in that?

Rule #1:  No unfair advantage.  The only knowledge I will allow is the knowledge that was available to me when I first purchased and opened the games back in the 80’s.  The only exception to this rule, of course, will be the knowledge I retain from the time I played before (which at my age is pretty much useless at this point).  I will be searching out the original contents of each game before starting, and will share that info as it becomes available.

Rule #2:  No outside hacks or cheats.  Every action I take, everything I accomplish, every item I acquire will be done using only the game mechanics available to me from inside the game.  That is not to say, however, that I will not take advantage of any game mechanics that I find to further my end goal which is to succeed at my quest and have fun doing it.   And fear not… any gems I may discover along the way I shall gladly share.

Rule #3:  I have to be having fun.  Rule #3 supersedes all other rules (D'oh!  I just learned that I have been misspelling supersedes for my entire life).  If this isn’t fun, then what’s the point?  If, heaven forbid, I find myself stuck to the point of pure and utter frustration, and the only hope of saving my sanity and to keep me from destroying my device is to break either Rule #1 or Rule #2, then consider them broken.  Now, having said this, I must also state that invoking the “Break Clause” will only be happening in the most dire of circumstances and my failure will be fully documented for all the world to see.  In other words… Ain’t gonna happen!

The Rules have been set, the gauntlet thrown!  Onward, friends, to fortune and glory!

In a nutshell...

Welcome, my friends, to something new and hopefully entertaining; if not for you, at least for me.  Actually, it is just a ruse to play games, while making my wife believe I am doing something constructive...  

My name is Jon, and I am a vidiot. "What is a vidiot?" I hear echoing in the minds of thousands, if not millions (hey, I can dream, can't I?).  A vidiot is a person that was raised playing video games.  It all started when I was but a lad; instead of “Chutes and Ladders” or a replay of “Candy Land”, Santa brought us something new… PONG!  Oh my gosh! 

Pong shortly changed to the Atari 2600.  It was at this time that my dad brought home an interesting contraption, it was a magnifier, projector thingy for our brand new color television.  We laid our TV on its back, placed this thingy on the TV screen and projected the image on a larger silver screen.  Suddenly “Adventure”, “Defender” and “Pitfall!” were larger than life!  Okay, the resolution was terrible and we had to cover the windows with blankets so the sun wouldn’t drown out the image… but my siblings and I were on cloud nine!  Countless hours of my youth were spent slaying Centipedes, battling Space Invaders and blasting Asteroids. 

As I got older, and started becoming more mobile and self-sufficient, I realized that 8-bit just wasn’t enough.  Throughout my teen years I dropped countless tokens at the local Detour (video arcade).  Every spare minute and every spare quarter was spent pumping the slots and pounding the buttons of the likes of “Galaga”, “Tempest” and “Missile Command”.  From 17 to 26 (minus one or two years) I worked at a Family Fun Center with the largest video arcade in the San Diego area… the Video Mecca if you will.  It was during this time that I entered a new age of vidiotism.

In 1987, at the age of 23, I purchased my first personal computer, the Commodore Amiga 2000.  What a technological masterpiece!  1MB RAM, a 12-bit color palette (that’s 4096 colors!), and not one… but two, yes, TWO! 3.5 floppy disc drives.  That baby set me back a cool $2000.00, but was worth every penny!  I have owned numerous computers through the years, but no other system lasted as long as my A2000.  Those floppy drives ground away at my favorite games for over a decade.  “Dungeon Master”, “Populous” and those adorable “Lemmings” gave me countless hours of enjoyment.  Even now, I wish I had held on to that enduring bit of machinery.  I think we finally got rid of it in 2004 after it had sat in a box in our garage for four years.  What a travesty…

Through the years I have played countless MUDs, MMORPGs, FPS’, and other acronyms.  There have been bad, good and great in the mix.  The graphics and play are now reaching the realm of realism and I still find myself caught up in them, much to the chagrin of my wife.  Handheld devices are now all the rage and the apps that can be found are so far beyond what my first computers were capable of handling.  I love playing all the offerings that are available.  I have even been known to spend a buck or two on some of the more creative offerings.  And that brings us to today, and the purpose of this undertaking…

  A short while ago I purchased “The Bard’s Tale” app by inXile entertainment.  The app is the largest I have loaded to date, taking over 3G of space on my Android device.  This is, however, space well spent.  The reason for the purchase wasn’t for the actual “Bard’s Tale” (which judging the bit I have perused will be excellent as well), but for the “Original Bard’s Tale Trilogy” that is included in the app.  “The Bard’s Tale I:  Tales of the Unknown”, “The Bard’s Tale II: The Destiny Knight” and “The Bard’s Tale III: Thief of Fate” defined gaming for me in the 80’s.  I remember being up until the wee hours of the morning with graph paper and pencil, mapping and questing, trying to figure out that last challenge before calling it a night.  I admit it… I am a vidiot! 

I must take up the quest again!  And I invite you to join me…  I plan to blog my adventures in Skara Brae and the surrounding environs.  I will post my findings, and share my knowledge, and I welcome any who wish to adventure with me!  So ready your weapon, gird up your loins and let us sally forth to riches and glory!